yeah yeah (Read: Why I wasn't worth it?)

I love running. It's true. I haven't replaced my food addiction (or food love I guess I could term it) with running but pretty dern close. I'm just gonna tell you why. Even though you didn't ask. Here's what's great about running (in no particular order):

1. Endorphins

2. physical fitness

3. endorphins

4. time with yourself (those long runs can be pretty long) to think and ponder whatever needs to be thought about or pondered

5. endorphins

6. cardiovascular health

7. endorphins

8. lowered blood pressure (not a problem for me but why not head it off at the pass)

9. endorphins

10. increased insulin resistance (and thus lowered risk of diabetes)

11. endorphins

12. appetite suppressant (what? exercise AND reduced hunger? I might add that this is only temporary. I'm downright RAVENOUS about an hour after a long run)

13. endorphins

14. better sleep and more energy when you're awake.. all thanks to, you got it, #15

15. ENDORPHINS :)

This is by no means a comprehensive list I might add. But here's what I know about running (and a lot of other cardiovascular exercise as well, but running is my choice), the list above is by no means the end of the benefits of running, but it's a decent start.

Now you may be skeptical like I was. I mean sheesh I was already only sleeping 4 hours a days as it was, good grief, WHERE am I going to fit an hour of exercise of any kind, other then lifting my hand to my mouth or standing in the shower? I know, right? Now, you are actually telling me that I should sleep LESS than that in order to run? No thank you mister. I'll take a pass. Well blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses. Oh I'm so good at those. I can excuse myself right into a slab of cheesecake. But one day I realized that those excuses really wouldn't hold water anymore. In order to continue to say I was too busy, too tired, too __________ (insert excuse here) I was going to have to just get off my hiney and give it a go. SO that's what I did.

I may add I don't generally lack motivation. I graduated Valedictorian from nursing school. I don't lack motivation. Last semester I took 15 units on TOP of being a wife and mother (though I'll admit not the best one in either department probably), working full time and training for a marathon. I raised my younger sister and a good portion of my life I raised my mother as well. Seriously, I don't lack motivation. I don't tell you this to toot my own horn (though it certainly looks that way and I apologize). But truly, I say this for one reason only, and that is because I know there are many of you who do the same exact thing. I ALWAYS made time for the things I "had" to do (and you know what those are for you all ladies and gentlemen) but when it came to things that were all mine, the things that focused on my health and fitness, I just conveniently moved them to the back burner, saying "next week", "next month", etc. etc. I have to do this. I have to do that. I have to put another hat. (I made that rhyme just for the heck of it) How is it that in the face of straight A's and a spotless house, healthy kids and a sister at a University, scooping my mother up over and over and supporting my husband in an exceedingly stressful career, I could decide that my health had no worth? How could I stay up all night to write a paper or sew a quilt, or make a halloween costume or bake 6 dozen cookies, but I couldn't take 60 minutes to work up a sweat? How is it that I could devote hours to buying and preparing healthy food for my kids but yet I could justify eating all night to keep myself up at work? I guess the short answer is that somewhere along the way, for reasons better discussed in another blog, I decided that I wasn't worth it. Plus I generally didn't like sweat so that was another convenient excuse.

But one day I decided I was in fact worth it, and here's where it gets real honest. Really honest. That kind of honest that you don't always just want anyone to know. So... put in on the internet right? Anyway, the fact is, I threw away the antidepressants that my Physician (who also takes care of my bipolar mother) told me I should accept that I'd be on for the rest of my life. I flushed the ambien that I had come to rely on for sleep. And thus I decided not to medicate myself through my life. (and disclaimer: I also might add that medication has a great place when used appropriately. I certainly do not condone flushing your medication, but I am a nurse and sometimes nurses think we are doctors and can make those kind of bold, albeit occasionally foolish, medical decisions). Anyway, disclaimer aside, I was tired of feeling like I needed a pill just to survive my life. I'm embarrassed to admit it but I had to come to rely on these little round pieces of magic just to get through the day (and or night), when the problem wasn't that I needed to medicate away what was wrong, the problem was I needed to face what was wrong head on and attack it. I had become complacent in every area that focused on me. Which is so remarkably UNLIKE the person I am. The people who know me would never use the word complacent or lazy to describe me. Ever. But there I was. Just plugging along in life while it passed me by. All grins and energy on the exterior. All misery and self loathing on the interior. And dare I say it.. running played an enormous part in changing that. So there you have it.

When people ask me why I want to run a marathon I usually say "because I can", but the real answer is because I never thought I could.